5 Real Reasons Why Mom’s Don’t Want Sex
One of the most frustrating parts of motherhood is the unwritten never ending to-do list that exists both on paper, in our calendars and in our heads. Thinking about what we need to do and when we need to do it, along with the stuff for our children, homes, and jobs is enough, let alone adding what we need to do for our partnerships.
Wanting sex when you’re a mom isn’t easy and here is why!
Sex is something that requires planning. It was always planned for actually. When you started dating your partner, you planned for sex when you made a date to get together. You got yourself together, groomed and even made yourself look cute and ready for sex, and expected it at either their place or yours. Perhaps you waited until marriage to have sex; even you had sexual tension and excitement that happened on dates.
A disconnect from their previous identity without children. Our lives are begun the moment we enter into the world and from that day on we begin developing into the women we become. However, on the day that we become a mother our lives change again. Our identity goes from being the women we knew ourselves to being, to being someone we don’t recognize. We feel different, and instead of being our own responsibility, we’re now responsible for the entire life of another person for the rest of ours. This identity shift can be really challenging for some women. It can also impact our ability to feel sexy, sexual or have sexual thoughts, feelings or desires.
The need to plan is a constant. I hear it all the time, and feel it myself for that matter. We’re planning our daily activities and that of our kids, partners and work lives, the last thing we want to plan is being intimate, when intimacy is something we used to “spontaneously” engage in. I say “spontaneously” because I always remind people it rarely was as spontaneous as you think it was, we really planned for when we would be intimate or were at least ready for it more often than we are now.
We’re constantly distracted. It’s not easy caring for other people, especially little ones. The time it takes for us to plan, care and coordinate their needs is a job in and of itself. That being said, we’re always distracted by the planning of our lives, theirs and by their presence in general. Try being in the mood for sex when the baby monitor is showing your kid playing in their room instead of sleeping. It’s not easy to feel uninhibited and free minded enough to be spontaneous when your kid may wake up screaming in the middle or your children are around and able to walk in.
Being constantly preoccuppied leads to less sexual thoughts and desires. Motherhood is busy, we’re always planning, doing or arranging something. This mental load includes things on our actual lists, and then also things that live in our heads like remembering what day of the week is swim, when the nanny gets here today, or what time the last bottle was. This cognitive overload can leave little room for the sexual thoughts and desires needed to get us in the mood. When your mind is full of to-do’s it is hard to shift quickly into a space of intimacy and desire.
Lack of support leads to decreased intimacy. It’s funny, but one of the most common things I hear from mothers is that they just want someone to take care of them for once, instead of having to take care of everyone else. In order for many women to feel comfortable receiving care, they need to feel they are able to relinquish the control and allow someone else to not only take care of everything else in their world, but also take care of them too. From my anecdotal experience as a therapist, when women feel cared for, prioritized and helped by their partner, they are more likely to feel desire and arousal by that partner.
Emotional caretaking is exhausting. Not only do mothers manage the schedules and needs of their children and family, but they are also the main person who is often responsible for helping take care of everyone else’s emotions. Take it from a therapist, if you don’t have firm boundaries between you and the person whose emotions you’re holding space for, it can feel like you’re holding 100 elephants on your shoulders. Mothers don’t have many boundaries between themselves and their dependents, which causes major emotional burden and further complicates their ability to prioritize their own feelings, needs and emotions.
The impact of the MOTHER LOAD is significant and multifaceted. Each of the responsibilities and people that us women have in our life often distracts us from the feelings we need to have to want sex. Our lives also make it hard to find time to feel sexually uninhibited and free enough to explore sexuality and sexual feelings with the responsibility of a child. If you’re in a slump, don’t feel completely discouraged, your drive can come and go and if you want something badly enough, well go for it and create it. If you need help, I got you!
xx
Dr. B
