In bad relationships, why is it always so hard to walk away?

Isn’t it interesting how we can tolerate such emotional pain in a relationship we believe is good for us? We talk all the time about self esteem and believing in the self, but how much self esteem can you have if you choose to allow people to treat you badly?

In session this week, I was talking to a client about their history of #badrelationships. Many clients in my office struggle with this same history; to be frank, I get it because I have one too. Truth is, it’s hard for us to walk away not because of who the other person is, but because of who we are.

It took me years to realize that the reason I was treated poorly by many men in my past was not because of them. You see, in this world we’re programmed to find someone to blame. We’re encouraged to blame anyone but ourselves, but why? I always tell people, you cannot point the finger at everyone else without looking at yourself first.

Perhaps we have a hard time walking away from bad relationships not because of what good exists within them, but because we cannot tolerate the mirrored reflection of what it means about us to choose to stay in something that serve us. Sitting with the reality of having such low self esteem that we are willing to tolerate being treated like shit, is something that we want to blame everyone but ourselves for. Not in my office.

In my office I work with people around their choices all the time. Many therapists provide validation and a safe space to listen. In my office, I provide that as a baseline, but it is in our safest spaces that we can be called out on our worst behaviors and are given the guidance, tools and confidence to change.

Truth is, when we’re in a relationship where we’re not being treated well, it’s not always fair to point a finger at the person who is treating us less than, without pointing a finger at the self. It is so hard for us to walk away because of our low self esteem. We believe that somehow if they thought more of us, or if we were good enough, smart enough, strong enough or even if the connection was enough, that they’d treat us the way we believe we should be treated. So we stay, we stay and wait for the day that they see us in a way we want to be seen. The hard reality is that if we saw ourselves in that way we want to be seen, we would never tolerate staying and being treated in a way that makes us feel less than.

If you are in a relationship that makes you feel sad because you’re constantly waiting for them to give you, treat you or love you the way you believe you deserve to be loved, I ask you, do you think you’d let them treat you this way if you really respected yourself?